Next adventure.

I think now it's time to announce the news.
I will be going to Poland again in 10 days. I finally got my flight tickets and my next adventure is starting soon.

And it also means that this blog will be updated again! Welcome back.

Meaningless

This time I was more prepared for reverse cultural shock (or re-entry, if you prefer that term). I knew I will go through some difficult feelings and probably be depressed. I experienced it when I got back from Korea and  it was so bad. I couldn't do anything for two weeks, I didn't want to see anyone. I just wanted to lay in the bed.

This time I took different approach and decided to make most of it. I embraced the return rather than feared it. I am happy to be home, seeing all my friends and trying to get some structure in my life. I love the chaos but I learnt that having regular schedule can also be beneficial. It is good for basic work and resting, but if creativity is needed then chaos is better.

This time I am not sorry for being back. I don't feel generally bad. I don't see being abroad as only suitable choice. I like being home, but at the same time I have lost my purpose. It is the hardest, most terrible feeling I have had this whole week. I am meaningless, I am not useful to anyone anywhere and it is truly hard to deal with.

I am trying to finish my studies and working every now and then. Still I have a feeling I don't have anything to contribute here. I feel misplaced. I don't have anything to give and I am just floating around in my own bubble. I have no idea how anyone can deal with this kind of feelings. How do you find a new meaning for yourself?

You can leave us physically, but not mentally.

My last days in Poland were beautiful and full of love. I was spending time with my colleagues as much as possible, trying to memorize their faces, voices and everything. The small things they do.

How Rafal puts his hair in ponytail. How Carl stands and smiles, how he always answers my questions without any hassle. How Marcin walks to my table, sighs and says what did you broke this time. How he looks right into your soul. How Alex smiles and laughs, how he tells me to stop dancing. How Pawel walks past my desk and ask on the way how's everything. How Riki tries to find solutions to cases I would have already given up, how he suddenly stops everything and goes for smoke. How Joona first sends me message via Skype and then asks the same thing aloud. How Adam speaks so fluently both Swedish and Polish, how he is all about learning next to Carl.

Everyone were so nice to me. They took me in with open arms and made me feel like home. And I don't how, but I end up with several nicknames.
Puppy,
Puppet,
Minion,
Happy feet,
The always moving Hula-girl of happiness,
Little ray of IT sunshine,

and of course my favorite: Little master of disaster. 

On my last day, my closest friends gathered at my place. Chilling, talking and helping me to get my stuff (and myself) together before going to the airport. It was amazing how they all made it there even after long night of drinking. 

And when I got home, I got the most adorable video call: You can leave us physically, but not mentally. Let's take shots! It seems I'm not going anywhere.

September

Last month here. Completely different month. Everyday has been different. I started September with car crash and concussion, continued by saying bye to all the other interns.

Then my dear friend visited me and we did most of the mandatory tourist stuffs in one week. We visited Stutthof, Old Town and Westerplatte. Tried different foods, mainly sushi though. Partied with my co-workers, talked for hours. 

After she went back to Finland, I started to spend more time with my co-workers. We went to beach, watched movies, partied, went to Oliwa park.. I did almost everything I wanted to do before going back to Finland. 

During this last month my position at work slightly changed. Other interns left in the beginning of September which meant I was only Finnish speaker in the mornings. Oh, the quiet mornings alone, it was beautiful. I am still an intern, but I am not the newest agent in IT Service Desk anymore. Our team got two new Finnish members and one new Swedish speaker.

This month has been full of explaining things and realizing how little I actually know. If I ever thought I have gotten any good at my work, this has taught me to be more humble. There is still lot to learn.

Two weeks left.

In two weeks I will be back in Finland. My internship in Kemira Gdansk will be over and I will go back to my Finnish life. I have so mixed feelings about it. It is lovely to see Kalle ja Marsa and all my other friends. It is awesome to be able to touch my love ones, go to the movies or have basic dinner. All that normal stuff you miss when you are abroad.

But it also means going back to Hämeenmaa and school. I always loved working for Hämeenmaa, I was really good at my job and it was kind of second home for me. Now I have been away almost 5 months and I'm not even sure who is working there. Also my professional ambition has started to grow and I want more, I want different.

Besides working in Hämeenmaa, I will need to finish my studies. I don't have that many courses for autumn semester, but I will have some projects in Neloskerros. 26 ECTS plus thesis left, it's not that much. I have always been bad at studying and motivating myself to study, but I really want to graduate.

Going back to situation where you have to study and work at the same won't be nice. It means I won't have energy nor time to exercise, see my friends or have quiet time for myself. It also means I have to face the reverse culture shock again. At least this time I know what am I going to face so it won't be complete surprise.

Two weeks left. I have to make the most of it. 

Lähtöfiiliksiä

Viimeinen viikko Suomessa.

Sain Kemiralta 57 sivua luettavaa.
Uusin reseptit ja hain lääkkeitä puoleksi vuodeksi mukaan.
Kävin Tonttilassa vikaa kertaa ennen lokakuuta.
Vietin laatuaikaa Kallen kanssa.
Kävin mökillä saunomassa.
Pakkasin ja mukaan tarttui lähes samat asiat kuin Koreaan.
Rikkoutunut autonrengas ja laina-autolla Turkuun!

Yhä edelleen on epätodellinen olo, mutta kai se on uskottava, että ensi viikolla olen Puolassa, uudessa työssä. Ja päällimäisenä mielessäni pyörii: Älä tee elämässä ainostaan kaikkea mahdollista - tee jotain mahdotonta!
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Last week in Finland.

I got 57 pages to read from Kemira.
I renewed my descriptions and got medicine for half a year.
I went to Tonttila last time before October.
I spent quality time with Kalle.
I went to sauna in cottage.
I packed and most of the things are the same as in Korea.
Flat tire and with borrowed car to Turku!

Everything feels unreal, but maybe I have to believe that in next week I'm in Poland, working for new company. And the only thing I can think about is: Don't do only everything that's possible - do something impossible!

Irti päästämisen vaikeus.

Lähtö lähenee kovaa vauhtia. Yhä edelleen todella epätodellinen olo. Tein kaikki vaadittavat asiat niin nopeasti, että nyt hämmentää. Olenko oikeasti tehnyt kaiken tarvittavan? Nyt, kun ei ole mitään konkreettista tekemistä, jää tilaa asian sisäistämiselle. Olen lähdössä.

Olen samaa aikaa innoissani ja kauhuissani. Pääsen taas reissaamaan, tutustumaan uuteen kulttuuriin ja maahan. Saan uuden kämppiksen, työyhteisön ja alun. Koreassa oman paikan löytäminen yhteisössä oli haasteellista, sillä täällä Suomessa olen luonut itselleni oman sosiaalinen palloni, jossa kaikki on utuisen pehmoista. Nyt olen taas hyppäämässä tuntemattomaan ja löydettävä paikkani uusissa piireissä.

Ehkä vielä enemmän jännittää uusi työpaikka. Olen ollut Hämeenmaalla pian kuusi vuotta. Se on neljännes tähän astisesta elämästäni, mikä on ihan uskomatonta. Hämeenmaa on aina ollut minulle hyvä, olen päässyt toteuttamaan ja kehittämään itseäni. Olen päässyt vastuullisiin hommiin, hoitanut pieniä markkinointihommia ja saanut joustavasti käydä töissä juuri niin paljon kuin haluan. Minulla on ollut kahdeksan esimiestä, joista jokaisella on ollut erilainen tapa lähestyä asioita. Jokainen heistä on opettanut minulle jotakin uutta.

Nyt olen ensimmäistä kertaa sitten täysi-ikäistymiseni menossa uuteen paikkaan töihin, enkä voi kieltää etteikö se jännitäisi. Olen innoissani tilaisuudesta, mutta vanhasta irti päästäminen on vaikeaa. Olen kasvanut Hämeenmaan hoivissa, mutta nyt minun on aika kokeilla siipiäni. Aikuistuttava ja kasvettava ammatillisesti, tähdättävä korkealle ja uskaltaa tavoitella unelmiani.

Onneksi ero Hämeenmaasta ei (ainakaan vielä) ole lopullinen - harjoittelun jälkeen palaan takaisin Tonttilaan.
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Departure is closing up and everything feels unreal. I did all the paper work in one and half week and now I actually have time to realize I am leaving. I am both excited and terrified.

I get to travel, get to know new culture and country. I get a new roommate, work community and a fresh start. I had some problems finding my own place in Korea because here in Finland I have built my own social bubble where everything is so soft. Now I am jumping into unknown - again. And I have to find my own place in a new group.

Maybe even more exciting thing is the new work place. I have been working in Hämeenmaa almost six years. It is one quarter of my life which is unbelievable. Hämeenmaa has always been kind to me, I have had opportunities to fulfill and improve myself. I have got responsible jobs, small marketing tasks and I have been able to work as much as I want. I have had eight different managers and all of them had had their own way of doing things. Everyone of them has taught me something new.

Now, first time after turning 18, I am going to work somewhere else. I have to admit it is kind of thrilling. I am excited about the opportunity but letting go is always hard. I have grown under Hämeenmaa's care, but now is my time to try my wings. I have to mature and grow professionally, aim high and dare to reach out.

Luckily the separation from Hämeenmaa is not (at least not yet) permanent - after the internship I will go back to Tonttila.