House full of people.

Jumittunut käsikoru ja järjetöntä naurua. Mitä jos kukaan ei olisi ollut kotona? Olisin varmaan maannut sohvalla jumissa, kunnes ensimmäinen pojista saapuu kotiin. Miten selkä voikaan olla niin jumissa, ettei kykene koskettamaan toista kylkeään? Kävely sattuu ja treenit ovat tauolla. Liikunta on rajoittunut kevyisiin kyykkyihin ja kävelyyn. Lenkkareilla. Kaikkialla vain ja ainoastaan lenkkareilla. Peilikuva muistuttaa Koreasta ja se huvittaa.

Talo täynnä ihmisiä. Rakkaita, ihania ihmisiä, jotka hymyilet rakastavasti. Humaltuneita keskusteluja, paljon halauksia ja tanssimista. Puolet heistä ei kuitenkaan kuulu kuvaan. Heidät on leikattu ja liimattu väärään kohtaan. He ovat osa jotakin, joka ei vielä ole minä. He ovat kotonani, joka ei vielä tunnu kodilta.

Minulla on oma sänky, oma vaatekaappi ja oma pieni nurkkaukseni. Tämä on koti, johon en ole vielä pesiytynyt kunnolla. On huomattavasti helpompaa rakentaa arki yhdessä toisen kanssa, kuin astua sisään toisten arkeen. Onneksi he kuitenkin yrittävät.
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Bracelet stuck and uncontrollable laughter. What if no one would have been home? I would probably have been lying in the couch until one of the guys comes home. How is it possible that your back is so stiff you cannot even touch your left rib? Walking hurts and I'm having a break from exercise. All my moving has been limited to walking and light squats. With running shoes. Everywhere and only with running shoes. My reflection reminds me of Korea and I smile.

House full of people. Lovely people who smile at me with love. Drunken conversations, lots of hugs and dancing. Half the people do not fit the picture. They have been copy-pasted to the wrong place. They are part of something which is not me. Yet. They are in my house that does not feel like home.

I have my own bed, my own wardrobe and my own special corner. This is a home where I have not nested properly. It is much easier to build a life together with someone, rather than step inside of someone else's life. Luckily they try.

Meaningless

This time I was more prepared for reverse cultural shock (or re-entry, if you prefer that term). I knew I will go through some difficult feelings and probably be depressed. I experienced it when I got back from Korea and  it was so bad. I couldn't do anything for two weeks, I didn't want to see anyone. I just wanted to lay in the bed.

This time I took different approach and decided to make most of it. I embraced the return rather than feared it. I am happy to be home, seeing all my friends and trying to get some structure in my life. I love the chaos but I learnt that having regular schedule can also be beneficial. It is good for basic work and resting, but if creativity is needed then chaos is better.

This time I am not sorry for being back. I don't feel generally bad. I don't see being abroad as only suitable choice. I like being home, but at the same time I have lost my purpose. It is the hardest, most terrible feeling I have had this whole week. I am meaningless, I am not useful to anyone anywhere and it is truly hard to deal with.

I am trying to finish my studies and working every now and then. Still I have a feeling I don't have anything to contribute here. I feel misplaced. I don't have anything to give and I am just floating around in my own bubble. I have no idea how anyone can deal with this kind of feelings. How do you find a new meaning for yourself?

Two weeks left.

In two weeks I will be back in Finland. My internship in Kemira Gdansk will be over and I will go back to my Finnish life. I have so mixed feelings about it. It is lovely to see Kalle ja Marsa and all my other friends. It is awesome to be able to touch my love ones, go to the movies or have basic dinner. All that normal stuff you miss when you are abroad.

But it also means going back to Hämeenmaa and school. I always loved working for Hämeenmaa, I was really good at my job and it was kind of second home for me. Now I have been away almost 5 months and I'm not even sure who is working there. Also my professional ambition has started to grow and I want more, I want different.

Besides working in Hämeenmaa, I will need to finish my studies. I don't have that many courses for autumn semester, but I will have some projects in Neloskerros. 26 ECTS plus thesis left, it's not that much. I have always been bad at studying and motivating myself to study, but I really want to graduate.

Going back to situation where you have to study and work at the same won't be nice. It means I won't have energy nor time to exercise, see my friends or have quiet time for myself. It also means I have to face the reverse culture shock again. At least this time I know what am I going to face so it won't be complete surprise.

Two weeks left. I have to make the most of it. 

Working from home

This week has been one of the weirdest and most exciting weeks here so far. I have gone from hardly breathing to coughing my lungs out, from fever to dancing, from the top to the bottom and back. I was sick second time this summer and this time I walked straight to the doctor's office. You just know when there is something truly wrong.

Result:

14 days of antibiotics

14 days of stomach pills to help with antibiotics

7-10 days asthma inhalator

and whole week sick leave. 

I am not sure what was the diagnose, but the main thing is that I feel much better now. 

Since I was on sick leave, I was forbidden to go to the office even though I wasn't feeling sick. Luckily my awesome team leader helped me to get my laptop at home and set VPN for me. First time in my life I was really working from home and it was exciting and awesome. Music gives completely different vibe for work  and not being able to call customers made work little bit challenging. I never realized how often I call the customers instead of writing to them.

Working from home also meant not being able to ask help so easily which was both good and bad thing. It forced me to try harder on my own, google solutions much more. Sadly it also meant that some cases couldn't be solved right away since my skills aren't good enough. I am still a trainee, three months just isn't enough to learn everything and I have to accept that.

This is our home.

Welcome to our awesome apartment. This is one of the most beautiful apartments I have ever lived in. And after sharing one room with another girl for four months, having my own room is luxury. My room is the one with Poro, but when Kalle arrives here we probably switch rooms.

Hope you like it!

Music by Scott Holmes

http://freemusicarchive.org/music/Scott_Holmes/

https://www.facebook.com/ScottHolmesMusic/