Creating a new me. / Kuinka Puola kasvattaa. Part 2

After I came back to Finland I felt two completely different things: belonging here and totally not belonging. Last time it felt like I have been dropped into middle of  the play, but no one remembered to tell me the lines. This time, I felt misplaced, but I had the lines. I have found the words.

I never thought I would fall in love with Gdansk, but lately I have been missing my other home. I miss Poland. I miss working at IT Service Desk, I miss the amazing sushi in Fusion Sushi. But most of all - I miss my awesome team and my international family.

"You can leave us physically, but not mentally." Having shots remotely with my guardian angels ! #shots #missyou #fridaynight #traditions

Kuva, jonka Mira Järvenpää (@mirraje) julkaisi 28. 10ta 2016 klo 11.58 PDT

Finnish version of sushi

I also miss Korea. I miss bibimbap, amazing parties. Long talks and nights out. I miss the tradition of eating together, flavored soju and the habit of pouring for other before yourself. I miss cat cafes and easy metro system.

Oh, the happiness! I'm so gonna go there again.. #cat #catcafe #happy #ilovemylife #purehappiness #exchangestudent #korea

Kuva, jonka Mira Järvenpää (@mirraje) julkaisi 14. 09ta 2015 klo 9.52 PDT

I miss almost every places I have been. I believe it's because part of me is still there. I belong nowhere and everywhere. It is a great privilege in this small planet. Re-launching yourself after coming home isn't easy. It is a long process, you could even say endless process. Life isn't finding yourself, it's creating yourself. Every new experience shapes you and makes you a newer version of you.

For me Small Planet Studio has been a great help with coping with the changes and the emotions. I believe I will be able to create the perfect life for me. That global life I want so badly. One step of it is visiting my other home in one month.

Meaningless

This time I was more prepared for reverse cultural shock (or re-entry, if you prefer that term). I knew I will go through some difficult feelings and probably be depressed. I experienced it when I got back from Korea and  it was so bad. I couldn't do anything for two weeks, I didn't want to see anyone. I just wanted to lay in the bed.

This time I took different approach and decided to make most of it. I embraced the return rather than feared it. I am happy to be home, seeing all my friends and trying to get some structure in my life. I love the chaos but I learnt that having regular schedule can also be beneficial. It is good for basic work and resting, but if creativity is needed then chaos is better.

This time I am not sorry for being back. I don't feel generally bad. I don't see being abroad as only suitable choice. I like being home, but at the same time I have lost my purpose. It is the hardest, most terrible feeling I have had this whole week. I am meaningless, I am not useful to anyone anywhere and it is truly hard to deal with.

I am trying to finish my studies and working every now and then. Still I have a feeling I don't have anything to contribute here. I feel misplaced. I don't have anything to give and I am just floating around in my own bubble. I have no idea how anyone can deal with this kind of feelings. How do you find a new meaning for yourself?

Two weeks left.

In two weeks I will be back in Finland. My internship in Kemira Gdansk will be over and I will go back to my Finnish life. I have so mixed feelings about it. It is lovely to see Kalle ja Marsa and all my other friends. It is awesome to be able to touch my love ones, go to the movies or have basic dinner. All that normal stuff you miss when you are abroad.

But it also means going back to Hämeenmaa and school. I always loved working for Hämeenmaa, I was really good at my job and it was kind of second home for me. Now I have been away almost 5 months and I'm not even sure who is working there. Also my professional ambition has started to grow and I want more, I want different.

Besides working in Hämeenmaa, I will need to finish my studies. I don't have that many courses for autumn semester, but I will have some projects in Neloskerros. 26 ECTS plus thesis left, it's not that much. I have always been bad at studying and motivating myself to study, but I really want to graduate.

Going back to situation where you have to study and work at the same won't be nice. It means I won't have energy nor time to exercise, see my friends or have quiet time for myself. It also means I have to face the reverse culture shock again. At least this time I know what am I going to face so it won't be complete surprise.

Two weeks left. I have to make the most of it. 

Miten Puola kasvattaa. Part 1

Jokaisen ulkomaan matkan jälkeen palaan eri ihmisenä takaisin. Maailma kehittyy kaiken aikaa, mutta ympäristöllä on tapana kehittyä samaan tahtiin sen ihmisten kanssa. Joka kerta, kun olen muualla, kehityn eri tahtiin kuin kotona. Tämä aiheuttaa sen oudon kuplan aina kun palaa: kaikki on samanlaista kuin ennen lähtöä, mutta silti aivan erilaista. En ole enää synkronoitunut ympäristööni.

Asiasta puhutaan harvoin. Kukaan ei puhu paluun vaikeudesta. Monesti ihmiset puhuvat kulttuurishokista, vaikeuksista jotka kohtaa, kun saapuu uuteen maahan. Sitä on tutkittu todella paljon ja aiheesta on monia oppaita. Lähes huomiotta on kuitenkin jäänyt käänteinen kulttuurishokki, joka ainakin minun tapauksessani on aina ollut pahempi. Se tunne, ettet enää ole yhtä tutun ympäristön kanssa, on hirveimpiä maailmassa.

Olen nyt vieraillut muutaman kerran Suomessa tämän kesän aikana. Tuntuu sekä oudolta että ihanan kotoisalta, kun minulla on kaksi kotia, joiden välillä sahata. Tuntuu äärimmäisen oudolta mennä Suomeen ja joka kerta kokea se kupla - olet irrallinen osa kaikkea. Koti tuntuu silti ihan yhtä kodilta, vaikka tavarat ovatkin jatkuvasti hukassa. Pakastimessa on eri järjestys, unohdat itse katsella kukkasi etkä enää osaa lukita parvekkeen ovea.

Minulla on vielä hiukan alla kaksi kuukautta aikaa. Pyrin nyt ottamaan siitä kaiken irti, enkä miettiä tulevaa kulttuurishokkia, en kuitenkaan mahda sille mitään.
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After every trip to abroad I feel like I'm coming back as a whole different person. World is constantly changing but usually surroundings evolve at the same phase as people in it. Every time I'm somewhere else I naturally change in different phase. It causes this weird bubble when coming back: everything the same, yet completely different. I am no longer synced with my surroundings.

No one usually talks about this. No one talks how hard it is to come back. Usually people talk about culture shock, the difficulties when adapting to a new culture. It has been widely researched and many guides has been written. For some reason there haven't been that much attention on reverse culture shock which is - in my opinion, much worse than the normal one. The feeling not fitting in known environment is one of the worst feelings ever.

I have visited Finland few times during this summer. It feels both weird and super cozy to have two homes. Feels really weird to go Finland and experience that bubble - you aren't part of anything. Home still feels like home even though everything seems to in wrong order, I keep forgetting to water my flowers and I don't know how to lock the balcony's door.

I have little less than two months left. I'm trying to live it at my fullest and not to think about upcoming reverse culture shock, I cannot prevent it anyway.